Two men think an electric car will make a great getaway car… Then the battery starts to drain

I never claimed to be a criminal mastermind, but I’m pretty sure one of the first items on my “days” list for my first bank robbery would be “fuel the getaway car.”

To be honest I don’t feel like you need be a criminal mastermind not to forget to include this detail in his nefarious preparations – some “criminal middle mind” should suffice for this task.

So what term to use for two pranksters from Georgia who couldn’t make sure their getaway car had enough power to allow them to, you know, escape… well, I just don’t know what to call them. The only terms that come to mind are those that my mother would not approve of.

According to Atlanta VAGA-TVOfficers from the Gwinnett County North Precinct were called to the scene of the alleged theft of several gaming systems from an unknown local store.

When they arrived, witnesses apparently told them that the perpetrators had fled to Tesla.

Incidentally, the radio station didn’t give a date for the crime, and even the Gwinnet County police only called it “recent” in a March 5 tweet, so your guess as to when it happened is as good as mine. But since Tesla didn’t enter production until 2008, it’s safe to say it all happened at some point in the last 15 years.

Okay, so far so good, right? Production of electric vehicles regularly brag about their product range due to ever-increasing battery life, so Bonnie and Clyde (not their real names, who also have not yet been released) should have already been on their way to safety in Athens (Georgia, not Greece) or Rome (Georgia, not Italy), or maybe even Cairo (now you get the idea).

Or maybe not.

You see, no matter how much range an electric car has, it only has that range when you charge the battery before trying to escape.

When you don’t charge first, the result is often a tweet like this:

Recently, North Precinct employees answered a call about a theft and learned that two people had stolen several gaming systems and fled the store in a Tesla. The officers relayed the description to the surrounding officers who discovered the men. Great job officers! pic.twitter.com/6WuORXsTQx

— Gwinnett County Police (@GwinnettPd) March 5, 2023

Officials told WAGA that the two were spotted near the crime scene, where they stopped to charge the Tesla.

As I said: not inspirers.

In addition to the stolen game systems, the police found “several firearms.” [and] two pounds of what officials believe is marijuana” are in the possession of the suspects.

I know they’re going to test the substance they found for authenticity, but I’m going to take the risk of saying that if law enforcement “believes” they’ve found marijuanathey found marijuana. I’m willing to bet they’ve come across this stuff once or twice in their professional lives.

And if these two Lex Luther wannabes didn’t have some substance in their system, then they really have no excuse for how badly they performed their alleged wrongdoings.